So on my mom's side of the family (her maiden name is Connelly, thus the title), the ability to start out on one topic and five minutes later be talking about something completely different is considered an art form. Say you were discussing the best types of cars-- to my mother and her siblings, that conversation should normally switch to zebras and then airports, maybe then cooking and somehow end back on cars. The reason I am telling you this is because I am about to do exactly that process...I just wanted you to know why I am this schizophrenic in my thought process.
Let me just start with one thing before the schizophrenic speech so you know why (sorta) I am bringing it up. Yesterday Kristopher had his Kaiser interview, he said it went well and he doesn't think he could have done anything better. He will not hear from the school until the end of May or maybe even the beginning of June. To celebrate his interview, I took him out to a sushi dinner in Napa. It was very good sushi and in quite a ritzy place I might add (I treat my man well). Overall, the day-- from school to the interview and dinner, was a success....
The super California roll-- Topped with eel! Yum!
Yet, in spite of my good day yesterday, I am depressed today. Now it could just be my womanly hormones, running wild with my senses and making the world seem like an awful place; but truly I think that too many things are just spinning out of control. Well, I shouldn't say "out of control" because I know I can control them and I know that by next week, I will be fine but for now, I am going to vent. Here we go...
I have been saving up for a car for quite some time now. Everyone knows I am saving up for a car, it is no secret! Yet, somehow, I am having to spend more and more money on this and on that. The savings that I have stashed away for so long is quickly depleting and I am afraid that the car that I was supposed to be able to afford by next week is now maybe a few more months away. I know I am a nice person but I can't afford to be that nice! Now its not like everyone is hitting me up for money, people are just like "Oh could you pick this up for me..." and "We need this...". I am all for helping out where I can, but come on! Its also indirect, this money sucking vacuum that people in my life have created: the resources in our lives do not need to be used to their maximum! Conserve! Ration! Things do not need to be used constantly just because you aren't the one paying for them! And I am paying for things because I can, and because I want to, and because I have a responsibility to those around me-- it is my pleasure to help! It is my pleasure, however, I do not then become an endless resource. Now this is not just for money either. I can be a wonderful resource for friendship, help and attention but I do require some of those things in return. I do not ask for things very often so if at some point, I do ask...you can bet your behind that I really need that friend or help or attention right at that moment This would seem fairly "uhh DUH!" but sadly, it isn't. I have lost a lot of friends recently for this exact situation. Now, I know I have an abrasive personality at times. I am not blind, I know I can say stupid things and be possibly offensive but I am not above apologizing! Those of you who think of me as abrasive and "mean" or "b*tchy" cannot say that I haven't apologized to you! For those of you who used to be my friend (and are surely reading my posts out of curiosity), think about the nice things I have done for you. Think about the times that I bent over backwards to be your friend. Think about the kind words that I said wholeheartedly. Now, think about the "mean" things I did...I will wait. If you even could think of one, was it really mean? What were my intentions for saying/doing it? Was I just joking around and maybe went too far? If so, do you think that I would have thought we had known each other long enough for it to be okay to joke with you? Or was I trying to help you but you just didn't like my opinions on something or how I was trying to help? Whatever scenario fits you, take it and then ask yourself this question: "Was this one bad thing worth losing a friend over?". I am a damn good friend to people and I will always try to make up for my mistakes and apologize when I have done something stupid or wrong. The one thing I will not do however, is kill myself just trying to please you. I am and always have been my own person. I have never given a crap about what others are doing or how they think of me. I know I have alienated myself in many ways for being anti-drug, anti-drinking, anti-party until 8 a.m. the next morning-- I am okay with not being a part of those things. I am also okay with not being the girliest-girl on Earth. I could really care less about "designer this and make-up that". I will do girly things here and there of course but its only if I truly want to. Yet, so many girls do not like me because I don't do a lot of these things. Also, I joke around and act too "guyish" for them, so I lack a plethora of girlfriends-- that's fine with me. Some girls don't care about my male mannerisms and those girls know how great and loyal of a friend I am. At times, I do wish that the girls (and others) who now consider me mean would realize that I am not that way but overall I know that if they do not care or just want me around to tell them what they want to hear 24/7, then I do not need them in my life. I am confident in myself and love myself enough to know that I do not need that sort of negativity. I just wish that people wouldn't only see my good qualities when it served them and they wouldn't only see my one tiny mistake as my downfall. I will be your friend, I will help you whether it be with a listening ear or with my money-- just know that I am human too. I will need that listening ear in return and that money is in my possession for a reason. My pool of hospitality is only so deep.
Okay, so that was a long rant. I am sorry to those of you who are not at all related to the above statements. Those of you who do care and love me unconditionally, know that I am okay and did not write any of this in order to gain reassurance that I am cared for-- I know I am. I just wrote it to get it off my chest and to possibly reach those that it is pertinent to. For those of you (and you know who you are) that read this and used to be close to me-- I am sorry you lost a wonderful friend. I hope that you are not lonely or sad. I hope that you have someone as caring as me in your life because if I was ever your friend, then that means you deserve someone caring in your life; I have only ever befriended wonderful people who may have a few flaws that blind them to certain things. Just know that I am not above accepting an apology or restarting an old friendship.
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