Heres to the Girls Who Don't Like Themselves...

   I just want to take a moment and speak to the girls out there. Well, more specifically-- the girls who like to obsess over guys (or girls) who do nothing but hurt them. Now, I have been in this sort of relationship before. I am not speaking from some high horse, thinking I am better than you-- I am not. Okay, let me just start by saying, you are not psychic. You do not know what the guy is thinking nor are you expected to know he is a jerk from the start. The types of guys who seem to captivate us are usually the best liars. These guys know how to manipulate and get a girl to do the most degrading things. I have dated a few guys in my time...most of them were okay, just not for me. One however, one guy was a manipulator. He was a liar of the worst kind because he didn't lie to cover his ass, he lied just because he could. He enjoyed seeing what he could make people believe and then laughed behind their backs for trusting in him. I dated this guy for nine months and looking back now, there were at least fifteen times I could have left but I didn't. Why? Well, because I trusted my judgement. I trusted the fact that I wouldn't let myself get into a bad situation. The problem is that guys like, well lets just call him "Joe"-- guys like Joe skew your judgement. No matter how confident you are, or how strong your morals are, caring about someone can mess all that up.

  You may think that these sort of guys just prey on the girls with low self esteem, and they surely can but that does not mean its always the case. I have always been very confident, self-aware and true to myself; and I still felt that way during the whole of the relationship with Joe. I felt that way until I looked back on my life, my old writings and my old relationships and I could finally see just how much I changed. I did so many things I swore to myself I would never do or at least never thought I could do but there I was...doing them. I knew I had to end things and even when I did, I still ended up calling Joe again and again. He even came to my house and we had a huge fight in my front yard-- I am sure the neighbors loved that one. It wasn't until he threatened me that I finally snapped out of it. I heard these words coming out of his mouth and realized no man that truly cared for me could say these things; yet, if he didn't say them I would have went back.

  The thing is, so many guys don't make that  mistake-- the mistake of saying something to snap their girlfriends out of it. Therefore, the girls in their life go on in delusion. Sometimes however, the guy has said something, done something-- even many many times but now the girl is choosing to ignore it. Why? Because somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows that she has changed and leaving the guy would be admitting that she has made a huge mistake and she has too much pride for that. Other girls believe that this guy already holds so much of her life, her time, her effort that she can never leave without losing herself. Some girls feel guilty, thinking the guy needs them in order to get by and without her-- he will be lost. Finally, some girls just think no one else will love her because that is what this guy has made her believe. For the girls with too much pride-- forget it. Pride does not equal happiness because if it did, you would be happy now. For the girls who feel like they already have so much of their life invested-- withdrawing from the guy does not mean you will die. He does not hold your life line and those attachments you feel are actually all the weight he is putting on your shoulders...get rid of him and you will feel free for the first time in ages.  For the girls who think you must be his mother, that is not a relationship. You do not need to take care of him, he will survive without you-- this is actually just your justification for enduring all the hell he has put you through.  Finally, for the girls who think you couldn't be loved by anyone else, you are wrong. I don't care if you think you are overweight, ugly, mean or complicated, you still deserve so much better. Someone out there will think you are beautiful, he will find your complications charming and whatever extra weight you are carrying, he will think its sexy. You love yourself enough to want love, so lose the anchor holding you back from finding it!

  Most of all I want to say that IT IS OKAY to be in these horrible relationships because they make you stronger-- as long as you can free yourself. After I finally ended it completely with Joe, I was able to focus on everything that truly mattered to me. I needed a guy I could trust, someone who felt bad if he misled me, someone who thought I was beautiful in any light. I found that guy, not right away but I found him none the less. I am not in the perfect relationship but of course, there is no such thing but I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. I want the same for you. You are not dumb, you are not ugly, you are not undeserving of happiness. I realize that you may not take anything that I said to heart. Honestly, you may be reading all this and still think "this does not apply to me" and I sure hope you are right. I just want you to think about it though-- if you are happier when he is not around you, if all you want is to be alone... if you feel nervous or anxious when something is not going to go his way... if you bend over backwards trying to just get some attention from him...if you truly worry about him being around other girls, especially when its always when you are not there and he insists that nothing happened... If you withdraw from your friends and family just to spend more time pleasing him... if you look back and are now doing things you never thought you would do just because he asked you too... if you find that you are always the one compromising... if you have cried more since you started dating him than in your whole life... if you don't like yourself... if you think you are not worth anything better then I think you should take what I said to heart. I think that you should start getting back to who you once were. I think you should love yourself enough the try.

Punch in the Face

Why when a vacation is over, it can never be gradually over, or even over and back to mundane...no, it has to be over with a punch in the face! After Disneyland, Kris and I got to house-sit his grandmothers house; which would have been wonderful if I didn't get a random muscle spasm the day after we got back. I then got put on meds that made me feel worse rather than better. From that point on, crap has just been snowballing into a massive mess and I am not sure what to do. I am behind on some school work, the car I am driving is having more issues, my savings is dwindling away and so on and so on. I just want to take a vacation and have it end gracefully. Why? Why?!!

On the upside, in another week and 2 days, I will be going back down south to see my long lost Audrey! I have missed her oh so much! I just hope that a few of these bad things subside before then (knock on wood). 

Short post today but I just needed to vent a little. Have a good one!

Happy Birthdays and the Happiest Place on Earth!

   So May is always very stressful and very fun at the same time due to all the birthdays and events that happen. May is the time for midterms, but it also holds Kristopher's birthday, my friend Kayleigh's birthday, my Grandfather's birthday, Mother's day (which I just now realized I forgot to call my grandmother on Mother's day! I am horrible! I hope she got my card! I am sorry Grandma!) and many other birthdays and events that drain my wallet. I love gift giving though-- it is one of my favorite things to do, especially when I can make the gifts super personalized. For Kristopher-- who is super hard to find gifts for might I add...I gave him options. Kristopher likes to be in control so I made him a card with two gift options that he could choose from, hoping that he would like one of them. Turns out he didn't really like either but that is a whole other story that I will not get into...

The two options were either going to see a Brad Paisely concert with some of our friends, or go zip lining in Santa Cruz...we are doing a concert, but just not that concert. Ugh, that boy! He can frustrate me to no end sometime! But I love him so I guess its okay!

 

  

    For Kayleigh's Birthday-- who is not a control freak I might add, I got to be more creative. I saw something on Pintrest (of course, no woman ever has a wholly original idea anymore thanks to that site) that inspired me to make a jewelry holder for her. I forgot to take a picture of the finished project but I did take a picture of the painting I made for the background of the holder. 

The leaves are buttons and in the night sky portion, there are pieces of a broken mirror for stars. I risked 7 years of bad luck for miss Kayleigh so I hope she appreciates it! But I know she does because she is nice like that!

  After all the birthday, Kris, his sister Rachael and her husband Matt and I all went down to Disneyland for some fun and to visit the exclusive Club 33. Kayleigh wanted to come too since she is the biggest Disney fan out of all of us but sadly, she couldn't. So I decided I would bring her with me in some way, so I cut off her head, taped it to a pencil and shoved her in my purse just so she could come along. She was very happy, even though she was decapitated-- that is just how big of a Disney fanatic she is!

I am so glad she got to join us on our little trip, even though she was not in a complete body. 

 

  The highlight of the trip was Club 33 which, if you do not know-- is a club that Walt Disney created in order to entertain his personal guests while in the park. The club is in the New Orleans area because New Orleans was one of Walt's favorite places. In order to dine in Club 33, you have to be "invited" and only certain people or people who know people can come in. Thankfully, Kris' brother in law Matt had that connection so we could make a reservation. The club is comprised of two dining halls, all personally decorated by Walt and his wife. Lots of the furniture was in various Disney films and a number of famous people have gone through the club. It was amazing to sit in a room that held so much history and came from the mind of such a talented creator. Kris and I ordered the Chef's Selection which was made up of many courses of amazing food-- too much for us to eat! Over all, we had an unforgettable time and I can't thank Matt enough for inviting us along.

 There are a lot more pictures on my facebook so you can look there. 

   I wish that I could go back and just spend a whole day in the club, soaking it all up. I had a such a great time in the park and with this whole month; also, before this month is over, I get to see my best friend in the whole world for the first time in nearly 6 years! I am so excited! Okay, well that is all for now. Hope you all are doing great!

Bikes and Burns...

   Wow, it has been a while since I wrote something on here. I doubt anyone was fervently checking my blog every ten minutes for a new post but just in case you were, I am sorry that I am a slacker! Okay, so this past week or so, Kris did his first organized bike ride! I am so, so proud of him for sticking to his plan and completing the 60 mile trek through Lodi, CA. 

  When we got there, Kris felt a little intimidated because it looked like a bunch of professional riders were going to be in the long race that he was doing. Thankfully however, more amateur people showed up and put him at ease. Our friends Mike Caponio and his wife Julie were hosting the ride so it was also good to see some familiar faces. 

   There is Mike in the cowboy hat

  I am such a silly, emotional girlfriend. I was so excited the whole time before they took off and when Kris began to roll away-- I teared up a little...

After they were gone, my sleepiness hit me. The race was at 8am, registration started at 7am and Lodi is a little over an hour away so we had to leave by 6. That all meant that I had to be up by 4:30 so I could get ready-- yes, I take a long time to get ready! I know! I am my mother's daughter on that one. Anyway, the night before, I could not get to sleep for some reason so I was working on maybe two hours of sleep and my giddiness for the ride sucked those two hours right up. I ended up falling asleep in the car, which would have been fine if the winery that was hosting the ride wasn't right next to train tracks! I woke up and almost peed myself when a train passed by blaring on its horn. Feeling dazed, I opened up the car door because it was starting to get hot inside, forgetting that I locked the car before I fell asleep. The alarm started going off and I couldn't find the keys! I was scrambling around while the other people waiting were staring at me looking like a crazy person. After a few minutes of noise and frenzy, I finally got the stupid thing to be quiet. I was certainly awake by then.

  It wasn't too long after that, that riders began to filter back in. It was estimated that for decent riders, the ride should only take about 4 hours. Kris thought since he had "off the couch training" as he called it, he would probably take about 5 hours-- that would bring him back by 1:00. I had a feeling though that he wasn't giving himself enough credit, so I waited out by the finish line. After about 20 minutes, I see a red jersey coming up in the distance...it was Kristopher and it was only 12:07!

I chased him down, wiping away my proud tears and gave him a big hug and kiss. He did so much better than he thought he would and I was so excited to see him so proud of himself!

  After the race, a boyscout troop catered with pulled pork sandwiches (wouldn't be my choice after a ride like that) and then the winery offered free wine tasting to the riders. Kris enjoyed the relaxation afterwards. We hung out for a while because they were doing a raffle but sadly we didn't win anything...but we didn't mind because the rest of the day was amazing!

  So thank you Mike and Julie for hosting it, then you Cycles Gladiator Winery for letting the ride happen and thank you Kristopher for making me so very proud (more than I already am) to be your girlfriend! It was a wonderful day!

.....

Oh yeah...the "Burn" part of the title! I got really sunburned while waiting for him to finish...haha, no big.