I just want to take a moment and speak to the girls out there. Well, more specifically-- the girls who like to obsess over guys (or girls) who do nothing but hurt them. Now, I have been in this sort of relationship before. I am not speaking from some high horse, thinking I am better than you-- I am not. Okay, let me just start by saying, you are not psychic. You do not know what the guy is thinking nor are you expected to know he is a jerk from the start. The types of guys who seem to captivate us are usually the best liars. These guys know how to manipulate and get a girl to do the most degrading things. I have dated a few guys in my time...most of them were okay, just not for me. One however, one guy was a manipulator. He was a liar of the worst kind because he didn't lie to cover his ass, he lied just because he could. He enjoyed seeing what he could make people believe and then laughed behind their backs for trusting in him. I dated this guy for nine months and looking back now, there were at least fifteen times I could have left but I didn't. Why? Well, because I trusted my judgement. I trusted the fact that I wouldn't let myself get into a bad situation. The problem is that guys like, well lets just call him "Joe"-- guys like Joe skew your judgement. No matter how confident you are, or how strong your morals are, caring about someone can mess all that up.
You may think that these sort of guys just prey on the girls with low self esteem, and they surely can but that does not mean its always the case. I have always been very confident, self-aware and true to myself; and I still felt that way during the whole of the relationship with Joe. I felt that way until I looked back on my life, my old writings and my old relationships and I could finally see just how much I changed. I did so many things I swore to myself I would never do or at least never thought I could do but there I was...doing them. I knew I had to end things and even when I did, I still ended up calling Joe again and again. He even came to my house and we had a huge fight in my front yard-- I am sure the neighbors loved that one. It wasn't until he threatened me that I finally snapped out of it. I heard these words coming out of his mouth and realized no man that truly cared for me could say these things; yet, if he didn't say them I would have went back.
The thing is, so many guys don't make that mistake-- the mistake of saying something to snap their girlfriends out of it. Therefore, the girls in their life go on in delusion. Sometimes however, the guy has said something, done something-- even many many times but now the girl is choosing to ignore it. Why? Because somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows that she has changed and leaving the guy would be admitting that she has made a huge mistake and she has too much pride for that. Other girls believe that this guy already holds so much of her life, her time, her effort that she can never leave without losing herself. Some girls feel guilty, thinking the guy needs them in order to get by and without her-- he will be lost. Finally, some girls just think no one else will love her because that is what this guy has made her believe. For the girls with too much pride-- forget it. Pride does not equal happiness because if it did, you would be happy now. For the girls who feel like they already have so much of their life invested-- withdrawing from the guy does not mean you will die. He does not hold your life line and those attachments you feel are actually all the weight he is putting on your shoulders...get rid of him and you will feel free for the first time in ages. For the girls who think you must be his mother, that is not a relationship. You do not need to take care of him, he will survive without you-- this is actually just your justification for enduring all the hell he has put you through. Finally, for the girls who think you couldn't be loved by anyone else, you are wrong. I don't care if you think you are overweight, ugly, mean or complicated, you still deserve so much better. Someone out there will think you are beautiful, he will find your complications charming and whatever extra weight you are carrying, he will think its sexy. You love yourself enough to want love, so lose the anchor holding you back from finding it!
Most of all I want to say that IT IS OKAY to be in these horrible relationships because they make you stronger-- as long as you can free yourself. After I finally ended it completely with Joe, I was able to focus on everything that truly mattered to me. I needed a guy I could trust, someone who felt bad if he misled me, someone who thought I was beautiful in any light. I found that guy, not right away but I found him none the less. I am not in the perfect relationship but of course, there is no such thing but I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. I want the same for you. You are not dumb, you are not ugly, you are not undeserving of happiness. I realize that you may not take anything that I said to heart. Honestly, you may be reading all this and still think "this does not apply to me" and I sure hope you are right. I just want you to think about it though-- if you are happier when he is not around you, if all you want is to be alone... if you feel nervous or anxious when something is not going to go his way... if you bend over backwards trying to just get some attention from him...if you truly worry about him being around other girls, especially when its always when you are not there and he insists that nothing happened... If you withdraw from your friends and family just to spend more time pleasing him... if you look back and are now doing things you never thought you would do just because he asked you too... if you find that you are always the one compromising... if you have cried more since you started dating him than in your whole life... if you don't like yourself... if you think you are not worth anything better then I think you should take what I said to heart. I think that you should start getting back to who you once were. I think you should love yourself enough the try.
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